


The Mighty Princess Bride AU

by early_sunsets_over_moronville



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV), The Princess Bride - William Goldman
Genre: Don't do drugs like the council kids, F/F, F/M, Freeform, Howince ofc, M/M, Mild/ Infrequent bad language, No Beta, Not ending with Buttercup and Westly, Princess Bride AU but not really, Satan help me, Shaman Council Yay, Slow Burn, Slow as I am lol, What has this become?, Who Knows What This Is?, bad language, not me, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:15:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23545978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/early_sunsets_over_moronville/pseuds/early_sunsets_over_moronville
Summary: Yeah. The Princess Bride In the Zooniverse. Why? Because I'm edgy. As edgy as a satsuma.Idk what happened but pls read?
Relationships: Howard Moon/Vince Noir, Mrs Gideon/ Old Gregg, Mrs Gideon/ Sybill the Lady Panda, Mrs Gideon/Howard Moon
Comments: 6
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Cast
> 
> Westley- Howard Moon
> 
> Buttercup- Ms Gideon
> 
> Ingio Montoya- Vince Noir
> 
> Vizzini- Bob Fossil
> 
> Fezzik- The Moon
> 
> Prince Humperdinck- Old Gregg
> 
> Count Rugen AKA The Six Fingered Man- The Hitcher
> 
> The Grandfather- Denis
> 
> The Kid(s)- Saboo, Naboo, Tony Harrison, Bollo (briefly)
> 
> Miss Gideons Lady In Waiting- That lady panda who I'm calling Sybill
> 
> The King- The Crack Fox

_[The room is full of smoke. There are figures sitting on the floor]_

_[ **CAMERA GETS CLOSER** , showing **NABOO, SABOO** and **BOLLO** sitting in a semicircle, on some form of Xooberon drugs again. It hasn’t really affected them.]_

_[A figure enters without them noticing. It opens a window, letting out the smoke.The Shaman groan.]_

**[NABOO](Annoyed)** Dennis! What d’you do that for?!

 **[SABOO](Annoyed)** Denis you plum!

_[The figure, **DENNIS** , turns around. He is wearing a papoose containing…]_

**[SABOO](With disgust)** Tony Bloody Harrison.

 **[TONY HARRISON]** You gonna let him talk to me like that Dennis?! Its an-

 **[NABOO, BOLLO, SABOO]** Outrage. We know.

 **[DENNIS](Coughs)** You really shouldn’t take drugs you know. It's bad for you

 _[ **SABOO** rolls eyes, muttering] _Lightweight

_[ **NABOO** snickers]_

**[DENNIS]** Er...well.. I’m here as part of a new Shaman Bonding Scheme. I shall tell you a story.

_[ **NABOO, SABOO, TONY HARRISON** groan]_

_[ **BOLLO** ] I’ve got a bad feeling about this_.

_[Awkward Silence]_

* * *

**[NABOO] (sighs)** So what's it about then? 

**[SABOO]** Has it got any fights? Any torture? The _Crunch_?

 **[DENNIS]** Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters-

 **[BOLLO]** Bollo no see giants. Giants bring back bad memories of the forest.

 **[DENNIS]** Oh, ok. You can go then.

 **[NABOO]** Traitor

 **[SABOO]** You utter plum, Bollo. You just can’t face The Crunch.

 **[TONY HARRISON]** This is an outrage!

_[ **BOLLO** leaves, laughing to himself]_

* * *

[ **SABOO** ] Urgh. What else?

[ **DENNIS** ] Chases. Escapes.Miracles. Chases.True love. Loving yourself.

 **[TONY HARRSION] (The dirty minded bastard)** oooh

 **[DENNIS](blushes)** NOT LIKE THAT

[ **TONY HARRISON** ] Denis….for me…...remember in ‘72 when-

 **[SABOO](Quickly)** Get started then.

[ **NABOO** ] What?

 **[SABOO](Hisses)** Do you want Tony Harrison to shut up or not?

 **[TONY HARRISON]** I heard that!

 **[DENNIS](Hits table)** After this, we can get stoned ok?!

 **[SABOO](sarcastically)** I’ll try and stay awake then.

 **[DENNIS](Who doesn’t get sarcasm)** Good Lad.

* * *

_[ **DENNIS** misses **SABOO’s** death glare and picks up a large book]_

**[DENNIS]** The Princess Bride. Chapter 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi.
> 
> So tell me what you think, please comment and leave kudos.
> 
> Um....yeah
> 
> Thanks so much


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please Comment and Kudos, hope you enjoy iit. This is the first time i'm writing for either of the fandoms so if you can tell me what to fix it would be appreciated .
> 
> Also I couldn't remember Miss Gideon's first name so, in honour of MCR and the amazing goth queen from Bake Off, her name is Helena. She is 100% an emo-goth and you can't change my mind. 
> 
> Thanks for reading

_[The room fades into an english countryside, Cornwall or Kent. There are fields of grass with bluebells. The day is warm and sunny,too warm for England]_

**[DENNIS](Off-Screen)** Once a princess called Helena Gideon was raised on a small farm in the country of…..The Zooniverse.Her favorite pastimes were playing with her snakes and reptiles and tormenting the idiot animal keeper who worked there. His name was Howard Moon, but she never called him that. 

* * *

_[ **CUT TO MISS GIDEON** ’s farm. **MISS GIDEON** is sitting on a stool, admiring bookmarks. She is an emo/goth and is listening to Helena by My Chemical Romance. In the background, **HOWARD** **MOON** is leaning against the wall, trying and failing to pretend he isn't looking at her.]_

**[DENNIS](Off-Screen)** She only called him…

 **[MISS GIDEON]** Jazz Freak! Polish my snake, Crowley, until I can see my face in their scales.

 **[HOWARD](Quietly)** As you wish.

_[He watches her leave in a Not-At-All-Creepy-Manner]_

**[DENNIS](to the Shaman)(Off Screen)** Isn't that a wonderful beginning?

 **[TONY HARRISON] (Off Screen)** She’s a bit kinky, isn’t she? Calling him Jazz Freak like that. Not that there's anything wrong with that. There was a really kinky guy I knew back in the ‘60s. He liked it when I put my tentacles…..

 **[NABOO](Off Screen)** Ew too much information. I’m gonna be sick. 

**[SABOO](Off Screen)** Dennis, continue before I murder this pink slimed cleft. 

**[DENNIS](Loudly, over TONY HARRISON'S screams) (Off-Screen)** As you wish was all he ever said to her

* * *

 _[ **CUT TO HOWARD** polishing jazz vinyl records, humming _She Loves You _by_ the Beatles _]_

_[Enter **MISS GIDEON** , holding two large carrier bags full of books. She drops them near him]_

[ **MISS GIDEON** ] Take these to my chambers _\-- (a beat) --_ please.

[ **HOWARD** ] As you wish.

_[She leaves; his eyes stay on her. She stops, turns and he looks away as her eyes stay on him.]_

**[DENNIS] (off-screen)** That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, As you wish, what he meant was,I love you.

* * *

_[ **MISS GIDEONS** room, sunset]_

_[ **HOWARD** enters with an armful of folded blankets]_

**[DENNIS](off-screen)** And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

 **[MISS GIDEON] (pointing to a pair of glasses that she could reach herself)** Jazz Freak,fetch me that pair of glasses. .

_[He gets it, hands it to her; they are standing very close to each other gazing into each other's eyes]_

[ **HOWARD** ] As you wish.

_[He leaves]_

* * *

_[ **CUT TO** montage of **HOWARD** and **MISS GIDEON** doing sickeningly couple-y things.You know what I mean. No kissing though, but way too much skipping in the field holding hands.The montage is slightly red tinted.]_

_[ **CUT TO** the Shaman’s room]_

[ **SABOO** ] What is this? Are you trying to trick me? (horrified) Is this a kissing book?

[ **TONY HARRISON** ] And when are they gonna finally (winks badly) do it?

[ **DENNIS** ] Its a romantic book. And just wait for the violence, okay Saboo? God I hate whoever decided this was a good idea.

* * *

_[ **CUT TO** The Zooniverse]_

**[DENNIS](Off Screen)** Howard, however,was still a servant, and, by the laws of The Zooniverse, was not allowed to date until he had enough money to have servants of his own. So he packed his few belongings and left to seek his fortune across the sea.

* * *

_[ **CUT TO MISS GIDEON** and **HOWARD** standing near a cab, hugging]_

_[They let go]_

**[MISS GIDEON** ] Will I ever see you again?

[ **HOWARD** ] Of course you will, my cream angel, with a face like a large patch of cream, and a nose like a perfectly shaped slope of cream, and a-

 **[MISS GIDEON]** But what if something happens to you?

[ **HOWARD** ] Hear this now, Helena: I will come for you.

[ **MISS GIDEON** ] But how can you be sure?

[ **HOWARD** ] I am Howard Moon, Man of Action. They all fear me,Howard Moon. Yes Sir, I am Howard Moon, Man of Action, and I shall return. 

**[SABOO](Off Screen)** He's such a Plum

_[ **MISS GIDEON** rolls her eyes, smiling slightly]_

_[They hug one more time. Then as **HOWARD** gets into the cab and **MISS GIDEON** watches him go]_

**[MISS GIDEON](Waving)** Bye!

[ **HOWARD** ] Bye!

_[The cab disappears]_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I couldn't really bring myself to write for a while, but yeah
> 
> Please tell me what you think!! I'm sort of writing the characters half as their pb selves and half as their boosh selves, so if the characterisation is off tell me.
> 
> Comments and kudos really make my day, thanks!!

**[DENNIS] (Off Screen)** Howard, however, didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by a Pirate- a man called The Dread Lester Corncrake, who never left captives alive. When Miss Gideon got the news that Howard was murdered -

 **[TONY HARRISON](Off Screen)** Ooh murdered by pirates is good -

 **[SABOO](Off Screen)** Can I ask why you call her Miss Gideon instead of Helena because you call everyone else by their first names and I-

 **[NABOO](Off Screen)(Gags)** Shut it you married couple.

 **[SABOO, TONY HARRISON](Off Screen)** THIS IS AN OUTRAGE

 **[TONY HARRISON] (Off Screen)(Cackling)** Pucker up, love

_[ **DENNIS** loudly fake coughs which means we can’t hear **SABOO's** answer.]_

_[*Hitcher voice* Did you want to know what he said? Did you R E A L L Y want to?? Dirty bastard]_

* * *

_[ **CUT TO** the farm where **MISS GIDEON** is staring out the window. It's a nice day, which just goes to show the weather has NO sense of drama. With or Without You by U2 plays]_

**[DENNIS](Off-Screen)** She went into her room and shut the door. And for days, she neither slept nor ate.

 **[MISS GIDEON]** I will never love again.

* * *

_[ **CUT TO** that ping pong game from that episode with the eels. Wii music plays. At the end is a red sign saying “5 YEARS LATER”]_

* * *

_[ **CUT TO** Nabootique castle, Daytime. Outside, some people are standing in a crowd (pre lockdown). Camera pans across. We see a guy in a Bryan Ferry mask with a Roxy Music t-shirt.Some idiot in a dress with a door in his head is there as well.]_

**[DENNIS](Off-Screen)** Five years later, the main square of Nabootique City was filled- or it would have been, if there weren’t reruns of Midsummer Murders on the tv- with people to hear the announcement of Prince Old Greggs bride-to-be

* * *

_**[CUT TO OLD GREGG** in his tutu, standing on the castle balcony in a paddling pool. Love Games, the song from that episode with Old Gregg, plays. Behind him is the King **CRACK FOX** and the count **HITCHER**. This is series 1 **HITCHER** , so the large thumb is there. NO TONY HARRISON NOT LIKE THAT. GET YOUR MIND OUT THE GUTTER] _

**[OLD GREGG]** My people ... a month from now our country will have its 500th anniversary. That day, I shall marry a lady- a lady nearly as good as baileys from a shoe. Who wants to meet her?

_[An oddly shaped stone sits up and raises its hand]_

**[OLD GREGG]** Not you, oddly shaped stone

_[Oddly shaped stone lies back down]_

**[Bryan Ferry]** yeah k

_**[MISS GIDEON** enters, followed by a panda, _ _**SYBILL** _ _. In an Alice Cooper shirt. Yep.]_

**[OLD GREGG]** My bride!

_[Silence- apart from **Anthrax** and **Ebola** (the goth girls who are totally together) who wolf whistle. **MISS GIDEON** doesn’t notice] _

**[DENNIS](Off-Screen)** Gideon's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Gregg the right to choose his bride, she did not love him.

* * *

[ _ **CUT TO** woods- like Addington?- in front of a sea. **MISS GIDEON** is sitting on one of the logs, reading **the Ladybird Book Of Bookmarks II.** There are a few magpies squawking]_

_[Camera zooms into a magpie, tilting its head before quickly fluttering off like pigeons do when a dog runs at them. **MISS** **GIDEON** doesn’t notice]_

* * *

[ **VOICE** ] A word, my lady?

_[ **CUT TO** three people, standing close together in the path. Beyond them is the waters of Nabootique Channel. Standing in front is a tiny, weird man called **BOB FOSSIL**. Beside him is a person in sparkly heels, a dark green top, black flairs and a pair of fake, red wings. He has a combination of KISS and David Bowie style makeup on. His name is **VINCE NOIR**. Beside him is a….a….is the **MOON**?? Best not to think about it.] _

**[BOB FOSSIL]** We are but poor, lost…..aha! circus performers. Is there a village nearby?

 **[MISS GIDEON]** There is nothing nearby- not for miles.

* * *

_[ **DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS**. Camera zooms in on **BOB FOSSIL’s** face]_

* * *

**[BOB FOSSIL]** Then there will be no one to hear you scream-

_[He nods to the **MOON** , who somehow, despite having no physical body, reaches over and touches a nerve on **MISS GIDEON's** neck. She starts to fall…..]_

**Author's Note:**

> Hi.
> 
> So tell me what you think, please comment and leave kudos.
> 
> Um....yeah
> 
> Thanks so much.


End file.
